This last month, I’ve been coming to terms with some of the small details of my life. Money. Work. Home. Relationships. In every area, I’ve found things I’d have preferred not to see.
Like my resistance to budgeting. Or the story that doing any form of outside work meant I’d failed at building a business. Or the intense survival fear that arose the instant I felt any degree of uncertainty about where I might live. And the raging insecurity about whether I actually deserve to be loved.
I didn’t have to go looking for any of the self-sabotaging beliefs – they emerged on their own. I didn’t need to dig deep to find the feelings – they came roaring to the surface of their own accord. And I didn’t need to do any therapy sessions to get in touch with the unruly street gangs of parts of my psyche that were threatening to mug me at every turn – they surrounded me and shouted at me until I could no longer ignore them.
At times, my heart has felt like it was under siege.
Deciding to open my heart again and again in response to feeling it close repeatedly in the face of fear has constituted most of my work this past month.
Of course, I’ve done (and am still doing) some more formal ‘work’ to deal with what I’ve seen. But I’m constantly fascinated by the way my life reveals everything I need to deal with right now, if I just let it unfold. Because I have such a strong drive to fix everything, allowing the unfoldment is challenging… and always rewarding.
The last few weeks have illustrated perfectly the themes I explored with my friend Samantha Nolan-Smith in an interview for her Change the Game podcast earlier this month. If you haven’t listened to it already, you can find it here.
In the spirit of attending to the small details of life, I’ll be fairly quiet for the next few weeks. I’m moving house and giving myself some time to sink into the new space. I’ll see you on the other side.